It came as a bit of a shock to me the other day.
I realised I was okay.
I am actually okay. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have clarity, peace and calm – my thoughts and feelings aren’t overshadowed by one specific emotion or event. I’m living and I’m doing fine. Better than that, I feel strong!
We’ll ignore the massive head cold which has me taking over-the-counter medication every six hours just to function. Because that’s not a big deal, that’ll be done by the weekend.
I’m talking inner, emotional, I can deal with life right now, strong.
It’s probably a bit sad that this came as a shock but if I look back, well I’ve been through the wringer in the last few years. I’ve dealt with my mum’s illness and passing, moving to a new town where I don’t know anyone, blending a family, watching my daughter struggle so desperately with the changes in our lives, and saying goodbye to my Gran. Oh, and being a newlywed. So yes there have obviously been some extreme highs in that time too!
I am still grieving my mum (10 months) and my Gran (one month) and I know I will, possibly forever. I won’t ever let them go. But I’ve reached a point where my grief no longer controls me. I don’t doubt Christmas will be hard. Very hard – I’ve already swallowed back tears more than once when I’ve heard The Little Drummer Boy playing in stores. My mum used to play this on the piano, I can still see the torn yellow cover of her sheet music. But the things is, I’m able to swallow the tears now. Most of the time.
Life comes and goes in seasons. I hope that I’m approaching a season of ‘normal’ life. Whatever that is?! Something settled perhaps? My husband has only really known me when I’ve been dealing with challenges (bless him, he’s a-m-a-y-z-i-n-g). I’ve leaned on him so hard, I’m so grateful to God for sending me this wonderful man at a time I wouldn’t want to have gone through alone.
Yes I will still face challenges. Nobody ever said life was easy. But I feel more well-equipped emotionally to deal with things at the moment, without spiraling into stress with every little thing. I’ve got this. Actually, God’s got this, He’s got me. He’s had me all along. This has definitely been a year of growth in my spiritual life.
Philippians 4:13 became a bit of a mantra for me in this time, I was often muttering it under my breath.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Yeah, sometimes just saying it once wasn’t enough!
I will say, to anyone reading this who is facing tough times please hang in there. Please know that it will get better. This is the first time in 3-4 years I could ever say that I felt strong and calm. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, always hope, always a way through.
What a ramble. Thanks for still reading!