I haven’t been posting so much the last couple of weeks. I don’t know what to say. Which is VERY unusual for me. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s that there’s just so much.
I’ve mentioned before that I feel like I’m in a real transitory place – accepting a new life in a blended family (it will be two years in December so not so ‘new’ really) and working out where and how I fit. Thing is, I spent so much time making sure everyone else in the family was ok, I didn’t work on me. And I got lost. So very lost.
So now I’m at a point where I really have to spend some time working out who I am. It’s going to be a process. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do and have no doubt it will appear in future posts. I’ve never been scared to write about what’s deeply personal and close to my heart!
I want to be true and authentic. And I want to be happy. At the moment, there’s too much empty and lost, to be properly and consistently happy. But I do know that happy is within reach. And I do know:
I can’t do this alone.
I will be praying and journaling and calling on God to help me see myself how He sees me. I do know I can’t define myself through other people, through the things I do, through the place I live – that can all change then what I am left with? I can tell you: a big shell of empty. I desire to see myself as God sees me and work in accordance with the plan that He already has for me.
There is peace in the knowledge that there is a plan, that there is a place to work towards, I just wish I had a few more ideas about how to get there…
This is all a bit confusing, even for me. I am a person who always aims to find the positive in life (it is ALWAYS there). I’m smart and proactive and the blessings in my life are ridiculous (in a good way!). I am full of gratitude and though I talk about being empty and I talk about being lost, there are also moments of joy.
It’s not all bad, but also, it’s . not . all . good.
I’m striving for ALL good.
I do know that I’ve confused ‘who I am’ with ‘what I do’ and have to work on this. I am a mum, and I’m the first to admit the jump from mum of one, to mum of four was huge. I think I let this define me. While being a mum, an amazing loving caring supportive teaching organised mum is super important to me, on a daily level, this is what I DO, not who I am. I’m going to explore this.
I am an introvert – hard-core, fully signed up, INTJ (Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging) on the Myers-Briggs personality type. In short, my brain doesn’t quit, I see everything and I spend a lot of time in my head. This is often where I’m happiest which doesn’t do great things for a social life, especially when you need to make new friends in a new place! INTJ’s make up only 2% of the population, it’s even more rare for a woman. Hmmm, awesome! Reading through anything about this personality type, I know it’s me. And I’ve pretended to be more of an extrovert my entire life. There are some new-ish revelations in this for me and I’m learning what I need to work and rest well. I will be exploring this more too.
I need to look at friendships and relationships, I need to look at how I go about my life as a wife and a mum, I need to work out where I fit in the church/church community (including my kids’ school which is a Christian School), I need to work out life without my mum, and I want to honestly work out the things I’m really good at and that give me joy.
There’s a lot here that is new and some old things that have changed so a lot to explore. This isn’t a moan, this is me being real. I acknowledge the good and am looking to change the not so good. And I hope that by proactively tackling this stuff with my eyes on the master plan my Creator has for me, I can find myself again and find direction.
Because lost and somewhat unsatisfied is not a way to live – well, it’s not a way I will accept to live.
So watch this space I guess…
If anyone can relate or has been through this stage themselves, especially (but not only) mums, I’d love to hear from you here or email abbiesbabble [at] gmail [dot] com