I haven’t been posting so much the last couple of weeks. I don’t know what to say. Which is VERY unusual for me. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s that there’s just so much.

I’ve mentioned before that I feel like I’m in a real transitory place – accepting a new life in a blended family (it will be two years in December so not so ‘new’ really) and working out where and how I fit. Thing is, I spent so much time making sure everyone else in the family was ok, I didn’t work on me. And I got lost. So very lost.

So now I’m at a point where I really have to spend some time working out who I am. It’s going to be a process.  I’ve got a lot of thinking to do and have no doubt it will appear in future posts. I’ve never been scared to write about what’s deeply personal and close to my heart!

I want to be true and authentic. And I want to be happy. At the moment, there’s too much empty and lost, to be properly and consistently happy. But I do know that happy is within reach. And I do know:

I can’t do this alone.

I will be praying and journaling and calling on God to help me see myself how He sees me. I do know I can’t define myself through other people, through the things I do, through the place I live – that can all change then what I am left with? I can tell you: a big shell of empty. I desire to see myself as God sees me and work in accordance with the plan that He already has for me.

There is peace in the knowledge that there is a plan, that there is a place to work towards, I just wish I had a few more ideas about how to get there…

This is all a bit confusing, even for me. I am a person who always aims to find the positive in life (it is ALWAYS there). I’m smart and proactive and the blessings in my life are ridiculous (in a good way!). I am full of gratitude and though I talk about being empty and I talk about being lost, there are also moments of joy.

It’s not all bad, but also, it’s . not . all .  good.

I’m striving for ALL good.

I do know that I’ve confused ‘who I am’ with ‘what I do’ and have to work on this. I am a mum, and I’m the first to admit the jump from mum of one, to mum of four was huge. I think I let this define me. While being a mum, an amazing loving caring supportive teaching organised mum is super important to me, on a daily level, this is what I DO, not who I am. I’m going to explore this.

I am an introvert – hard-core, fully signed up, INTJ (Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging) on the Myers-Briggs personality type. In short, my brain doesn’t quit, I see everything and I spend a lot of time in my head. This is often where I’m happiest which doesn’t do great things for a social life, especially when you need to make new friends in a new place! INTJ’s make up only 2% of the population, it’s even more rare for a woman. Hmmm, awesome! Reading through anything about this personality type, I know it’s me.  And I’ve pretended to be more of an extrovert my entire life. There are some new-ish revelations in this for me and I’m learning what I need to work and rest well. I will be exploring this more too.

I need to look at friendships and relationships, I need to look at how I go about my life as a wife and a mum, I need to work out where I fit in the church/church community (including my kids’ school which is a Christian School), I need to work out life without my mum, and I want to honestly work out the things I’m really good at and that give me joy.

There’s a lot here that is new and some old things that have changed so a lot to explore. This isn’t a moan, this is me being real. I acknowledge the good and am looking to change the not so good. And I hope that by proactively tackling this stuff with my eyes on the master plan my Creator has for me, I can find myself again and find direction.

Because lost and somewhat unsatisfied is not a way to live – well, it’s not a way I will accept to live.

So watch this space I guess…

If anyone can relate or has been through this stage themselves, especially (but not only) mums, I’d love to hear from you here or email abbiesbabble [at] gmail [dot] com

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3 thoughts on “WOULD THE REAL ME PLEASE STAND UP

  1. This is a lot to process and while I am not a mum I can relate to times when you lose yourself and you almost cannot figure out who you are anymore. The only way I was able to do it was one day when I was driving back home, and I was lost within myself (I may be of the same personality as you, as everything you described reminds me of how I am) I was listening to music in the car and all of the sudden I look out of the window and said “fuck it.” I, like you, always think positive and I was starting to think too negatively. When I said those two words, it’s like something snapped inside me. I just said enough is enough. And almost suddenly I began to feel better and center myself again. I know it’s as simple as that, and it was months before I could get to the point of saying those words, but once I did…man…it felt so good to feel again. I hope this was on topic and that it was ok to share as a non-mum.

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    1. Thanks Joel. I love to hear anyone’s perspective and totally appreciate you sharing 🙂 I know what you mean, things build up and you just get to ‘that’ point. I’m at the ‘enough is enough’ for sure and starting the journey of pulling myself back to happy-abbie. I just think it’s going to be a slightly different version of me than in days past – which is fine, there’s growth so that would be a good thing. I’m kinda looking forward to exploring and resetting some aspects of myself with a bit (little bit!) of life experience and grown up wisdom behind me. Just need to find that starting point. Thanks goodness for writing!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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