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‘Conflicted’ isn’t usually a word I would use to describe my feelings over Mothers Day. But this year, I’m definitely being challenged. Sad, angry, hopeful, lost, proud, guilty, contemplative…

Missing my mum this year is totally eclipsing  the fact that Mothers Day has anything to do with me, and the role I play in my own family. I know I’m being completely selfish but it’s the first Mothers Day without my mum, just four months after her passing, and I’m not coping well. Honestly, never have I been so aware of the retail build up to the day. It’s been around six weeks  since the first ads started appearing and I don’t need the constant reminder! My sensitive, raw, grieving heart has made a hasty exit from more than one room in tears at the mere mention of ‘mums’.

In losing my mum, I lost a super important person in my life. She was my best friend. An anchor. The single one who, in my entire life, I could count on. She was amazing in lots of ways, and taught me so many great things about life. Four months into my journey without her (early days I know) it still hurts daily – like rip my heart out, fall in a heap, crying until I can’t breathe, hurts. This I don’t recommend while driving!

Looking back on my childhood (a lot of that happening lately) I remember my mum being super involved in my life. A lot. Aside from the abundant love and support, she was ever present in practical ways. When I grew up and got past all that horrid teenage stuff – how I did test her patience – my mum became my best friend.

My mum is definitely my model of how to be a good great parent. I hope I make that mark, and that some day my kids will look back and remember I cared, I was there, I was involved and I made decisions for them they sometimes didn’t like … all because I loved them.

For now it’s a ‘funny’ place. As much as I don’t want to push my little people away, especially when it’s only our second Mother’s Day as a family, I know I won’t cope well with the day. I hope know that in years to come, we will observe Mothers Day in our home – and it will rightly be a celebration.

This year though, I’ll let the fluffy stuff slide. I’m getting up early to tackle a 10km fundraising walk then see where the day takes us.

Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful mamas that I know. Be blessed with your families and be a blessing to them.

Read the follow up: Post Mothers Day – it really wasn’t as terrible as I had anticipated!